For Mom2Mom speech presented 1/16/14; written 1/4/14
Backstory –
This particular topic has been on my mind quite some time.
While planning out our Mom2Mom year with my sidekick M back in the summer, I
knew this was a topic that needed to be addressed. My “plan” at that time was
to go through a detailed history of all of my personal issues with anger, a
list of references including the library of books I have on this topic, etc.
But God evidently wanted me to alter my plan, as you will soon see…
Intro –
I have felt the Holy Spirit nudging me to speak on the topic
of Angry Moms for awhile now. As I pondered my “speech” over the last couple of
months, I found that there is so much more than just an angry mom in the
spotlight. She’s not “just angry.” She’s tired, worn-out, weary, at the end of
her rope, helpless, jealous, discontent, bitter, envious, neglected, proud,
self-centered, insecure, clueless, lacking confidence, out of control,
powerless, spiteful, hateful, shameful, ashamed, broken, desperate, in need of
a savior.
Caveat –
Before we move forward, please let it be clear: that Savior
is not and can never be her child, her husband, her house, her car, her body,
her clothes, her diet, her stuff, her collections, her checklists, her goals, her
accomplishments, her friends, her church, her TV shows, her books, her
self-help guru, her moms group. Only Jesus can fill that empty place. Only
Jesus can love unconditionally, with mercy and grace, knowing EVERY UGLY SECRET
– the deepest parts – and still, He loves us.
Why Saying “lean on
Jesus” isn’t always enough –
So what about angry moms? Just lean on Jesus and we’ll be
all better? How I wish it were that simple! For some, maybe it is. But not for
me. I was saved when I was four years old, but oh have I been angry a few times
since then?!! An ugly, raging temper that rears its ugly head time and time
again, despite my best efforts to stuff it away, despite my happy church face
and my children with clean faces and pretty clothes. It’s time to get real,
girls! We all stink! Those plastic facades are just another step we take that
makes us exhausted and leaves us feeling inadequate and unfulfilled. Let’s get
off the crazy fake cycle, ok? Let’s be honest now and admit we don’t have it
all together all the time.
Why so angry?
So what are we to do about it? I think we need to first
figure out WHY? Why the anger? Where is it coming from? I listed several
sources earlier.
1.
Exhaustion. Being a mom is HARD! A mom of a
newborn often means sleep deprivation. (I’m certainly not at my best when I am
tired.)
2.
Loneliness. We may feel lonely – at 3 am, feeding
a screaming baby, while the rest of the world (and likely our husband) sleeps,
we may feel lonely and even resentful.
3.
Jealousy. How about jealousy? I remember coming
home from playdates FURIOUS because my furniture or faucet or rugs were no
longer “good enough.” My friends didn’t necessarily say so, but I felt jealous
of their nice new “stuff,” became discontent which turned to bitterness and
anger. We can be jealous over “stuff” or over a talent someone else has. Or how
about that friend with the “kind and helpful husband.” Boy, did I put some
serious strain on my marriage when I whined to my husband that he didn’t offer
to do bath time like so and so’s husband did. (Sad truth: if he had offered, I
would have criticized the way he did bath time!)
4.
Expectations. One major trigger for me is
expectations! I spent a year in marriage counseling back in 2006. I learned
that my expectations of others were extremely high, and my expectations of
myself were actually unattainable.
5.
Perfection/Control. The word “perfect” has been
all but eliminated from my vocabulary since it caused such angst for me. Did you
know that only God is perfect? True perfection is something we can look forward
to in heaven. The song “Free to Be Me” by Francesca Battistelli has a line that
always jumps out at me: “Try to fit the pieces together BUT PERFECTION IS MY
ENEMY.” The new song, “Let It Go” from the movie “Frozen” brought me to tears
when I heard it. I sure have a lot to learn to let go of! “Don’t let them in,
don’t let them see, be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don’t
feel, don’t let them know, well now they know…let it go, let it go, can’t hold it
back anymore. Let it go, let it go, and I’ll rise like the break of dawn. Let
it go, let it go, that perfect girl is gone!” Another song, “Perfect People” by
Natalie Grant really strikes a chord with me – can you relate? (Will try to
link video here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7D-ONj8PO8 Lyrics below.)
“Perfect
People” by Natalie Grant
Never
let 'em see you when you're breaking
Never
let 'em see you when you fall
That's
how we live and that's how we try
Tell
the world you've got it all together
Never
let them see what's underneath
Cover
it up with a crooked smile
But
it only lasts for a little while
[CHORUS:]
There's
no such thing as perfect people
There's
no such thing as a perfect life
So
come as you are, broken and scarred
Lift
up your heart and be amazed
And
be changed by a perfect God
Suddenly
it's like a weight is lifted
When
you hear the words that you are loved
He
knows where you are and where you've been
And
you never have to go there again
[CHORUS]
Who
lived and died to give new life
To
heal our imperfections
So
look up and see out let grace be enough
[CHORUS]
By a
perfect God [5x]
Be
changed by a perfect God
Be
changed
Exhaustion, loneliness, jealousy,
discontentment, expectations, perfection/control – all of this can lead to some
really angry times.
Dealing
with the issues –
1.
Exhaustion: Some of this, we just have to “get
through the phase,” like the newborn stage or sickness. This will pass. BUT –
it’s ok to ask for help! It’s ok to say, “I really need two straight hours of
sleep – can someone come hold my baby please?!”
2.
Loneliness: Stop waiting for someone to call,
YOU be the one to reach out! The fastest way to get over yourself is to serve
someone else. Ask someone over for coffee, meet at the park, text, email, call.
That person you reach out to may be feeling even lonelier than you!
3.
Jealousy and Discontentment: Truly, I stopped
looking at ads and catalogs and magazines and flyers. I avoided malls. I found
friends who were in similar financial situations as mine. I put my eyes back in
my own space and became a better homemaker, finding joy in cleaning the space I
was BLESSED with, cooking for the family I had PRAYED FOR. I literally counted
my blessings and turned my complaints and my rotten attitude into gratitude.
(You may see my Negative Nelly/Positive Polly posts on Facebook, for example:
it’s pouring rain and I have all four kids bickering in the van with me and we
have to go to the orthodontist. Boo. Poor me! Let’s turn this around – I am
able to drive a car, I have a car, we’re not waiting for a cab, I have four
healthy children that I desperately wanted and prayed for, we’re going to an
elective appointment not something awful like a surgery or chemo, we have
insurance and can afford the orthodontic appliance, and the list goes on.) That
doesn’t mean I get fake: I acknowledge the hurt, complaint, frustration. Then I
pray that God would show me the good things, the blessings, and HE HAS NEVER
FAILED!
4&5.
Expectations/Perfection/Control: Here is what I say to myself – God loves me.
He is in control. He is sovereign. Only He is perfect. It’s ok to have high expectations,
but it’s important to show grace to others – and to ourselves. These verses are
particularly helpful to me:
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans
I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to
give you hope and a future.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with
all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways,
acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.
I also focus on the Fruit of the
Spirit: love, peace, joy, patience, gentleness, self-control, goodness,
faithfulness, kindness.
Strength in our weakness
I used to be embarrassed when
people would quote from the Bible about a mother’s gentleness – I was not gentle
much of the time!
I Thessalonians 2:7 “We were gentle
among you like a nursing mother.”
I Peter 3:4 “…the unfading beauty
of a gentle and quiet spirit.”
Then I realized
that it’s ok that I am not perfect – when I am weak in my flesh, God is strong.
Faking it isn’t the answer; acknowledging our imperfections and flaws, laying
them bare before God and asking for His supernatural grace and strength and
healing is how we not simply endure, but grow…bloom…flourish…in Him! THEN, He
will continue to use our trials to draw others to Him, as I pray is happening
now as I share my story. May YOU see HIS power, HIS love, and HIS grace…it’s
for YOU too!
To
God be all the glory.
Verses
that talk about God’s Perfection:
James 1:17 Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our
Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a
shifting shadow.
Psalm 18:30 God’s way is perfect. All the LORD’s promises prove
true. He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.
Isaiah 25:1 LORD, you are my God; I will
exalt you and praise your name, for in
perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long
ago.
Take
Heart! There is hope…
2 Corinthians 12:9 My grace is all you need. My power works best
in weakness. So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power
of Christ can work through me.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 That is why
we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed
every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet
they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!
So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather we fix our gaze on
things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but
the things we cannot see will last forever.
